the grass is always greener on the other side

jealousy is a creepy little thing that shows up when you for one reason or another start to see the glass as half empty rather then half full. it happens to me right after the discouragement, just before the regret shows up. the pattern seems to be that something happens that discourages me, usually something that make me feel like i'm not good enough, like i have failed in one way or another. then after that, the discouragment comes, i get that dark, depressing feeling, like i'm sinking, like there is nothing to be happy about, like nothing can help me. thats about when the hopelessness sets in. if all this came from another person, this is usually when i will start to fight them, hoping anger and rebellion could distract me from the discourgement long enough that i wont have to experience what comes next. if i dont get off the path at this point, it inevitablily leads now to regret. i begin to regret my life, the decisons i have made, the timing of everything. thinking that everything should be different then it is. unfortunatley, this is where i find myself right now at this moment. i know how i got here, and i guess i do know how to get out, its simple enough, but still i find that i lack the strength or maybe just the motivation to leave.

what do i want?

what do I want? that is the question that the Lord is constantly presenting before me. the more I walk with Him and get to know Him, the more I realize that as His child, I can have anything I want. seriously. I mean if this is God, really God, then why not. sometimes people try to disprove His existance by saying, "how is that possible?" or "is that possible?". I remember I had an english teacher in junior high who thought he was challenging the existance of God in my life by presenting the question of whether or not its possible for creation to have taken place. Although there are a lot of stories in the Bible that are "impossible", that doesn't mean that they never happened. In fact I don't think I want to serve a God who cant do something that to us is impossible. What kind of a God would that be, that wouldnt really be a God at all but just some sort of super human, angelic powerful being, but not the all powerful God that I know and serve. So I say all that to say this; my life is not limited to what people think is possible, or practical, or fesable, or sensible. the more I walk with the Lord, the more I get the sense that my life is only limited to what I want. there it is again, the Lord asks me what I want. I dont know what it is that prevents me from being able to answer that question... is it fear that i think it wont happen, is it fear of what it will take to get what i want, or is it simply fear that i will choose the wrong thing, that some how there is a path I'm supposed to take, people i'm supposed to impact, places i'm supposed to go that i might miss out by mistake by choosing the wrong thing. my last year at elim, the Lord gave me a word for all of my roomates, there is one that sticks out more then the others. the Lord told me to tell her that He wanted to give her the desires of her heart, that because they had walked together so closely for so long that His desires had become her desires. that it was time for her to ask the Lord for what she wanted and that He would give it to her...maybe this is my time...